Office Politics in the Ask Ben & Clare Age.

Hongkers asks…

To make use of your expertise, how should I deal with office snake? Any tips to beat the office bitch?

Clare answers…

Phew, I’m glad you clarified that, Hongkers love. For a fleeting second, I thought there really was a snake in your office. Like Snakes On A Plane (one of the most accomplished movies of recent years, I think we’ll all agree), but without the flying. I was all geared up to suggest you might like to get in touch posthaste with the Animal Quarantine Unit or the Department Of Fish And Game or the We Round Up Exotic Pets Agency or some such, but now I can rest easy in the knowledge that you’re not in immediate physical peril.

But then again, perhaps you are. After all, you state your intention to “beat the office bitch”, so perhaps she’s been smacking you around in the stationery cupboard and you’ve finally decided to wreak your revenge. I can merely speculate. However, I would advise that I’d be wary of inflicting grievous bodily harm on this person, simply because employment tribunals tend to be rather messy and time-consuming affairs and you probably just want to get through that stack of papers in your in-tray and go home for a large glass of white.

So I have a couple of suggestions for dealing with this pest. First up: The Ignoring Tactic. My mum told me about it when I complained about the boys nicking my textbooks and trying to throw them on the school roof. If you ignore them, she said, they’ll soon get bored and stop. This was last week. If that doesn’t help, try The Killing With Kindness Tactic, passed on to me by my friend and former colleague Helen. We worked with a woman who was really rude and confrontational, but Helen always smiled brightly and was really really really nice back. As well as totally flummoxing old bullypants, it made Helen look great, so it’s a win-win solution.

Ben answers…

You will need.

1 metal pencil sharpener
1 cordless drill (with wood and metal drill bits)
A small sheet of steel
Glue
A welding torch
A Smoke machine
2 long pieces of plastic tubing
Red food colouring
1 pigs kidney

Hello Hongkers. Claire has her ‘ideas’, and they are all very nice and that, but do they get results? Allow me to show you how to stop the office pests forever.

Step 1. You will need to stay late or get into work early. Drill a hole in the steel sheet. Then drill a hole through the desk of the  snake/bitch. Now glue the steel sheet underneath the desk so that the holes line up. Underneath the desk set up a blow torch. Cover the top of the hole with a metal pencil sharpener.

Step 2. Set up a smoke machine under the desk of snake/bitch.

Step 3. Run the plastic tubes up your trouser legs, up your blouse/shirt and out through the sleeves of your suit jacket.

Step 4. Wait until snake/bitch says something unacceptable. Walk up to their desk. As you approach the desk pretend to stumble and fall over in front of their desk. At this point the whole office will be watching you, and snake/bitch will be feeling very smug and superior.

Step 5. While you are on the floor, attach the smoke machine to the tubes in your trousers and turn on the welding torch and the smoke machine. Stand up and stare at snake/bitch with a look of pain and concentration on your face. Whatever they say just stare at them.

Scientific interlude: Most people don’t realise that metal pencil sharpeners are made of magnesium. When magnesium burns it does this:

Step 6. The pencil sharpener will start to glow like in the video. Quickly turn the blow torch off with your foot so you don’t set the office on fire. By now smoke will be starting to pour out of your sleeves. Continue to stare at snake/bitch, and rise your arms to the ceiling.

Step 7. This will set the fire alarm and sprinkler system off. Remember the red food colouring? Well, you will have placed that in the sprinkler system.

Step 8. The sprinkler system is filling the office with what looks like blood spraying from a dozen torn arteries. This is the moment you spit the raw pigs kidney onto bitch/snake’s desk and say “Leave! Me! Alone!”

Step 9. While the building is being evacuated, clear up all your equipment.

Does my patented technique work? A friend of mine tried my method when he was working in the warehouse at Ikea. He is now king of Sweden. I rest my case.

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One Response to Office Politics in the Ask Ben & Clare Age.

  1. Hongkers says:

    Awesome! I am thrilled to have learnt these innovative ways to handle office snakes, big thanks! Will pass on your wisdom to fellow pest exterminators!!!

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