Daily Mail and Faily Fail Fail

What? Who? Where? When?



Gone for months?

Who? What? When?

Oh. Us. Well we’re back now. So stop it. No, stop it. Shush! We’ll sort your problems. One at a time please.


Here we go…

Socialist Sue asks…


Advice please. It’s simply ages since I had a good political debate (or slanging match). Most of my friends are Daily Mail readers so there should be lots of opportunity for friendly discussion but no, they are so indoctrinated with the gospel according to the DM that any comment from me causes them such discomfort that I am in danger of being banished from their company altogether. Apart from shouting at Newsnight and Question Time, what do you suggest I do?


Clare answers…


Sue, Sue, Sue. You say, and I quote: “I am in danger of being banished from their company.” And why is that perilous, pray tell? Why do you even entertain these so-called friends with their redtop-reading ways? I know some fans of the aforementioned publication, but I’m related to them so have no choice but to endure their skewed take on the world with teeth gritted. I am not related to them by blood (my lot read the Graudian and Indie, thankfully), but it would nonetheless be somewhat difficult for me to extract myself from the situation and ex-communicate the culprits. You, however, have the ability to pick the people with whom you hang out; maybe if your selection process were more stringent, you wouldn’t have found yourself in this lack-of-political-debate pickle in the first place. Can I suggest therefore you henceforth pipe up when you spot someone in your vicinity with more appropriate reading matter. Some may call it harassment; others might say it’s sociopathy; more still could use the word stalking. Whatever: you need to exercise your right not to lose your mind through constant bombardment with unfounded “facts” and biased twaddle.


Ben answers…


I am going to suggest something that at first will sound odd. I want you to buy the Daily Mail. I want you to buy it every day, and I want you to read it.

Don’t worry. I have not lost my marbles. This will is merely phase one of our plan.

Phase two will be to cut out every article that claims something is a cause of cancer.

Phase three will be to arrange these clippings in a scrapbook (make sure you buy a really thick one.)

Phase four (and this is where it starts to become fun) is to carry the scrap book around with you, and use it to ruin your friends lives.

For example: You arrange to meet your friends in the pub. You offer to buy the first round. Five minutes later you return to the table with five bottles of pre-mixed Snowball.

“I bought these,” you will smile, “because they are the only thing that the pub sells that doesn’t cause cancer.”

You will then refer them to the scrap book.

At Christmas you will buy them all Acker Bilk records and apologise because although you know they hate Acker Bilk, it was the only thing you could buy for them that you were sure didn’t cause cancer.

You will then refer them to the scrap book.

At dinner parties you will offer to bring a dessert and turn up with slices of wholegrain bread spread with mashed swede and molten Caramac. You will patiently explain that this is the only pudding in the world that doesn’t cause cancer.

You will then refer them to the scrap book.

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One Response to Daily Mail and Faily Fail Fail

  1. wordsandfixtures says:

    Ah, the freedom to run wild in the creative meadows and to be allowed to express oneself once again! The feel of all your dastardly dilemmas trampled beneath my ballet pumps; the heady scent of mine and Ben’s wondrous solutions; the fizzing taste of success on my tongue as I absorb your gratitude and awe; the sound of your rapturous ovation…

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